A Backstage Pass to Life Edit Therapy: Insight #2 - Attachment Theory and Parenting as an Impossible Profession

I’m not sure how to sufficiently relay the story behind this photo.  Trained as a therapist who relies on the spoken word, I’m going to again take a stab at entering the world of the written word and give it a shot. Let me back up to the beginning.

My Childhood and a Theory

The idea for a photoshoot on the property I was raised came on the heels of a long season of sorting through confusing and painful childhood memories that had been solidly recorded in my soul.  My interpretations of events that unfolded in my young life led to agreements I formed with myself and to drawn conclusions that prevented more pain in my childhood, yet led to chaos in my adult life.  A short list of these agreements included mandates to stay vigilant as the world felt unsafe, to cater to the needs of others so I wouldn’t be rejected or abandoned, and never to trust myself.  This, in part, was due to a lack of a secure attachment or a rupture in a secure attachment with one or both of my caregivers.

The theory of attachment, which is based on over 70 years of solid research, posits that our earliest experiences form a roadmap that informs how we see ourselves, how we experience others, and what we expect in life.  Neuroscience suggests these patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving become well-worn paths that literally wire our brain, and follow us into adulthood.  Difficulty building and maintaining intimacy in relationships, dismissing or shutting down emotions,  persistent feelings of insecurity, and people-pleasing are a handful of common presentations of those with an insecure attachment.

Sitting right next to the experiences of a child are the childhood experiences of the adult caregiver. Every parent that ever was and ever will be is clothed with their own interpretations of self, others, and the world.  Perhaps the parent wears an additional layer of generational trauma that is often unknowingly and unintentionally gifted to yet another generation.  Add this to the numerous traits and temperaments of the child and caregiver, and the curveballs that life throws, the sum of which cannot be controlled but only navigated.  Most would readily agree that parenting is an impossible profession.

For those who raise the argument that not all children exit childhood with a laundry list of interpretations that lead to a chaotic life, I am quick to agree. Science suggests that only 40%-50% of adults meet the criteria for an insecure attachment, whether it’s anxious, dismissive, or disorganized  (see below for more information on attachment styles).  Yet, I wince at that number, suspecting it’s a bit higher (that is another blog for another day).  

Despite the heroic and loving efforts of my parents, I exited childhood with an insecure attachment, in part due to the many variables often found in the messy soup of parenting and life. My journey back to reclaiming a secure attachment, this time with myself and with my partner, was arduous and at times deeply spiritual.  Few moments of this journey have been shared with others outside of a therapist, my husband, or a close friend.  Yet somehow, one of the most powerful moments from my therapy experience was captured in this picture.

An Important Detail on Which This Story Rests

When working with humans who have a history of trauma and loss,  it is not uncommon for a therapist to “resource” their client.   The resources act as a life preserver of sorts when a client fears they may drown when revisiting painful memories. Visualizing a place that induced feelings of peace and safety is one such resource I used in therapy. My go-to visualization was lying down in a hayfield on the eastern edge of my parents' property. In my imagination, I lay on my back underneath an immense blue sky in the alfalfa field on a summer day,  bathed in sunshine and a warm, gentle breeze.  I returned to this image again and again during some of the hardest parts of my therapy journey.

Back to the Picture

I tear up when I recall the unexpected gift that unfolded during the photoshoot captured in this picture. I can only explain it as magical, mystical, spiritual. 

While walking through the hayfield on the eastern edge of my parents’ property, the talented photographer, KD, invited me to soak it in.  She and my husband Jay were tossing up silk from milkweeds, which were caught up in the breeze, providing some additional impact for the photos.  The sky was a brilliant blue, the sunshine was abundant, and it was delightfully warm. On occasion, I would twirl, raising my hands to the sky.  I felt light, filled with gratitude as I remembered this field and the unspoken ways it helped heal me. After several moments of pure delight of being in this space and after multiple camera shots, KD asked a question that stunned me. “Would you feel comfortable lying down?” If you look closely, you may actually see my heart pounding and the mystical and spiritual flooding every cell of my being, as in real-time, KD unknowingly asked me to recreate the visual that saved me. 

That’s the story behind this picture.  A story that includes pain but also glorious beauty. A story that weaves in a theory based on robust research, and one that helped me make sense of my childhood.  A theory that follows me into my therapy office, and is one of many I mindfully consider as I work with others who hope to regain a secure connection with Self and others.  

If you continue to read along over the next few weeks, I trust you will be kind as I allow you a backstage pass to me, which is the heart of Life Edit Therapy.  Below you will find recommended resources as you consider this theory of attachment and what it might mean for you or the children in your care. As always, none of my posts or recommended resources are meant as therapeutic advice or counsel.  Perhaps at some point you may consider whether therapy would benefit you. I hope you won’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified therapist.

The podcast *Therapist Uncensored* is dedicated to the theory of attachment and is hosted by two licensed therapists. Specifically, I would start with the following episodes. If you click on the "show notes" for each podcast, you will find a transcript if you prefer to read the content versus listen to the podcast.

Therapist Uncensored Episode 158 https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/replay-tu59-are-you-cool-or-just-cut-off-dismissing-avoidant-styles-of-relating-in-adulthood/

Therapist Uncensored Episode 159 https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu-159-preoccupation-in-relationships-signs-and-solutions-to-anxious-attachment-replay/

Therapist Uncensored Episode 160 https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu-161-its-not-crazy-its-a-solution-to-an-unsolvable-problem-disorganized-attachment-replay/